So this post is basically just for me to get something out before it destroys me from the inside. And for Chessie because she’s the only one who reads my shiet.
I got some worrisome messages from Stefan the other night, I’m guessing he was having an anxiety attack. We haven’t talked in weeks, so it was honestly relieving to hear from him, regardless of the circumstances.
But now he hasn’t replied back to me and I’m getting so frustrated with myself. I don’t understand why he matters so much to me. I don’t know why I have to learn my lesson the hard way with him every time. And it sucks because my friends like to poke fun at it like it’s this lighthearted thing, but it isn’t. There’s a reason I kept fucking up and going back to him, and making fun of it just brings it back fresh and I have to keep from showing my hurt.
On to the thing that’s really bugging me: The other day, I was laying with Desmond in his bed, and he started kissing me. I thought I was finally falling for him because I started feeling butterflies in my stomach, but Stefan’s face popped into my head and remained there for the rest of the night. It’s bad because that was the only time Desmond has ever asked me what I was thinking. (I seriously think he’s a mind reader sometimes.)
ASDFGHJKL there’s so much more I want to say, but I’m incapable of typing them out in a manner that would make any sense!